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Q.:I just moved in with my boyfriend and his cat 4 months ago. Since his cat (Behr - pronounced Bear) didn't like me so much, and I love cats, I decided to get one for myself two days ago.
She (Hallie - the new cat) is trying to be the dominant cat of the house. Basically she's to big for her own britches. Instead of the older cat throwing a fit, it's the younger one.
In my eyes it appears that the older cat (Behr - nine years) is more curious than aggressive. She doesn't start the fight until Hallie has started the growling and hissing, and not backing down. Behr will back off after a trifle of a fight (which sounds absolutely HORRENDOUS - again all my cat!) and slink off to a corner in the hallway, and sulk.
Last night, Hallie sprayed Behr in one of these fights, and yes, she is female, so she didn't do a good job of it. Every site I have found, so far, says to separate the cats in different rooms. We have such a small apartment that it's nearly impossible. Our bedroom and bathroom are the only two rooms with doors, and the bedroom door is openable by Behr.
I have so many concerns it's nearly impossible to list them all. I'm just so worried about Hallie, and at the same time I don't want to alienate the older cat. So closing either cat off in a bedroom (or bathroom) doesn't seem to be a likeable option for me, but it may be a necessity in the end. Can you provide any alternatives?
A.: Well to reassure you first: this site doesn't say to separate them! That method usually only prolongs the agony, and once you try to put them back together again, you're almost back to square one. I usually only advice separation in case the fighting is so bad there is risk of the cats harming each other physically, which is not the impression I get from your question (and which is very rarely the case in general).
I think that in Hallie you have a cat with an ego of Mohamad Ali-size, and thus it annoys her, that Behr is not really scared of her, which she ought to be, if you ask Hallie. At her age most cats have a bully period during which all limits and bounds are being tested. My main concern would be how Behr took all this, but if I got you right, she actually reacts astonishingly calmly (for a cat). As long as it is still possible for your boyfriend to give Behr the love she's used to, I don't think there's really reason for concern.
It takes a lot more time for cats to establish a relationship that works than for humans, and the process of doing that both sounds and looks horrible to humans. But it is actually a necessary phase they have to go through in order to get a "modus vivendi".
As long as nobody gets physically hurt (and I don't count getting sprayed on), there is no reason to give up hope. I'm sure that after a while, you'll begin to see little signs of progress day by day. They may never get as far as actually liking not to mention loving each other, but it is almost certain that they will one day reach a balance of accepting each other's existence, maybe supplemented by little tricks to avoid each other in certain possible conflict situations etc.
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